5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Jogging
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”