political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
You Might Also Like
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Had an epiphany today.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me