I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Who called it baking and not making love
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
lumberjacks will cut a birch
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.