All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol