me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
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It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
you gotta be faster
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles