Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Children of the corn 🌽
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.