When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
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Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.