INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
You Might Also Like
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.