Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian