I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
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In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days