Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer