I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.