I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
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Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
This made me smile…
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.