I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.