roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
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[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Just had my nails done!
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.