Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
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Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Who.
Did.
This?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Dishonest mechanic?
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here