Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
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Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.