Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
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I’d hang this in my house.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
October already? What’s next? November????
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Ain’t no way
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.