Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
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Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.