A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”