I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
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GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car