her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
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What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
This bar smells like my childhood.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
The news in a nutshell.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.