*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
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What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu