Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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Life with a cat in one tweet
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
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Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.