Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
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It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”