I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
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“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you