Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
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DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Just why bro?!
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you