How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
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Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
podcasts
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Just a reminder, folks:
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.