The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
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[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Wait for it
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.