I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
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“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
ibopfufen
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.