The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
saving face 👀
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken