I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job