Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
hmm conte-me mais