Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
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Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.