And bowling should be called pinball
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking