People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
How to make infinite energy.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.