Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
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An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
BaD BoY!!
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
lost dog
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom