[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
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ugh not again
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.