….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
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Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen