When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
<—- homeless romantic
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
cry laughing at this shit
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples