me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
dutch so unserious
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”