Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
a fate I wish upon no one