The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
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do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
need him
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”