*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Pizza is an emotion right?
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.