wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
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[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I don’t get marriage
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.