Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
You Might Also Like
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
5 ways to appear taller
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
mom gave me mine for free
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’