On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
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Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Not all heroes wear capes…
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
How it started How it’s going
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.