If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
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Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
don’t we all
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
The cashier just checked me out.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.