i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?