Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
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Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Need WebMD
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.